Tweets Of The Week

pattonoswalt Patton Oswalt
I've now decided I am against gay marriage, but also support straight married couples being forced to act super-faggy.

hannibalburess Hannibal Buress
I lost my cellphone - T-Mobile lady: Did you lose the SIM Card too- Me: Naw, I pocketed it because I knew I was about to lose my phone.

MJMcKean
I'm like a very low-rent Jesus: I turn water into whizz.

MarylandMudflap
I walked past a dog walking on a treadmill in the window of a dog spa and I wanted to get angry but I have to say: That dog had a great ass.

morgan_murphy
speaking of segregation, I just had a civil rights movement. (took a dump in the back of a bus)

morgan_murphy
there's nothing less fuckable than a man eating a salad.

robdelaney
No animals were harmed in the making of "Zookeeper," but 14 of the animals in it have committed suicide since shooting wrapped.

thesulk
Scientology has spaceships?! Crazy! I'll stick to my guy who parted the sea with his mind.

thesulk
America is the sound of the Family Feud audience repeating unanswered answers in unison.

JennyJohnsonHi5
Volkswagen Jettas run on sorority girls' tears and ranch dressing.

JennyJohnsonHi5
"I'm super into the Goo Goo Dolls, you guys." - said the guy who has never seen human pussy

JennyJohnsonHi5
Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.

sportsguy33
Watching "Knight & Day" on HBO right now. Torre and Zimmer had more sexual chemistry than Cruise and Diaz.

MarylandMudflap
Don't you just hate it when you're watching Swimfan & S'ing your own D and a stranger walks in and says, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!"

danielralston
Can I just hear Werner Herzog say the word 'viscosity' ONE TIME IN MY FUCKING LIFE!

robdelaney
BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don't have to be an asshole about it

Thursday Feature!

It's Cubs vs. Sox rivalry week, and coincidentally I just got these two plates.


This one was on the way to The Cell, featuring Hawk's siganture call:




And this one sums up the north side franchise pretty succinctly.

Tweets Of The Week

3rdand10 Will Kane
I'll take George Harrison, Ghostbusters, and Vicodin. You guys can have the rest.

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
How many times during the filming of Fast 5 do you think the Rock, Diesel, Walker & Tyrese woke up in bed together, naked, covered in jizz?

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
I wonder if the sound guy on the Sopranos wakes up in the night screaming after having nightmares about James Gandolfini's nose breathing.

pattonoswalt Patton Oswalt
Have the Vancouver riot police turned on the maple syrup cannons yet?

NekoCase Neko Case
Sorry, @deltaairlines, why are you such a dick?

MarylandMudflap
If you need me I'll be at the farmer's market with all the other white people who think eating organic food will make us live forever.

mortsahlsays Mort Sahl
Obama urged Weiner to resign, which is yet another example of the sinking ship deserting the rats.

CoachieX B.A. Rosenblum
wxrt just played a song by Marvin Gaye as part of their Father's Day set. Seriously. What are they, me?

morgan_murphy Morgan Murphy
When I was a kid, I had one of those nets you throw a baseball against and it bounces it back to you. Happy Fathers Day to that net.

mirandanmf miranda brown
if you don't like billy squier, you're wrong.

(this one is actually sort of touching)
ochocinco Chad Ochocinco
Left hand is trembling uncontrollably as if I'm out of my element. Weird feeling but cool as hell to see dad after how many years? Hmmm 17

JennyJohnsonHi5
I'm sure Tiger Woods wishes he would've won the US Open today, then fingered a buttload of skanks with his penis.

Andy_Richter
Also, congrats to HBO on the launch of their first spin-off series, Tremè: Miami.

robdelaney rob delaney
I'm hoping the success of "Bad Teacher" & "Horrible Bosses" will convince Hollywood to make my movie, "Cunty Dermatologists."

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
Dumpster Muff RT @KimKardashian: Help me choose a new name for my jewelry line!

Great Marquees

We were there to see a live taping of the most excellent Canadian radio show "Q" - but the top billing looked promising, too.

Lake Effect

Seriously, you're too busy to stop by and check Lake Effect every so often? You can't take 15 seconds out of your busy day to share a funny or interesting tidbit with your friends? Nobody enjoys a sense of community anymore?

God, I hate you guys. Except Crescent, who I know WANTS to post more. I can just tell.

Thursday Feature!

Courtesy of an eagle-eyed friend.

Summer Jamz Gone By

I had no idea they were so awesome looking.

Tweets Of The Week

EricStangel
BREAKING: In addition to Olympics, NBC Just Purchased the Rights To Toyotathon 2014 & Red Lobster Lobsterfest thru 2020

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
The one thing MTV's 'Teen Mom' taught me is 35 year old women make shitty grandmothers.

JennyJohnsonHi5
My stepson says I embarrassed him in front of his college academic advisor when I recommended he take "Introduction To Pussy"

DanaJGould
Every tattoo has a hidden meaning. The ones on your neck mean, "You probably want to interview someone else for this position."

JoshMalina Joshua Malina
CNN: Rep. Weiner attributes his problems to a "vast right-nut conspiracy."

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
I'm just glad Patrick Swayze isn't alive to see Hollywood try to ram this grease turd Bradley Cooper down our throats.

PFTompkins Paul F. Tompkins
Ugh. Look at this fat creep. "Blurgh, put the air on my face, I'm sweating from putting on this seatbelt." yfrog.com/h8s1iivj

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
If any of y'all like drinking vodka & Diet Squirt, I'm gonna order a pizza and make this Teddy Ruxpin say funny stuff in about 20 minutes.

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
4 people who haven't showered, who reek of stale liquor & have diarrhea want to get together to drink cheap champagne & OJ? No. #brunch

morgan_murphy Morgan Murphy
today is the 3rd birthday of the girl your husband will leave you for in 20 years. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MADISON!

WindhorstESPN
Just saw street cellist. Wondered if it was like Wash Post stunt when world-class violinist played in subway. But guy was playing Star Wars.

kellyoxford kelly oxford
Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.

KellZodiac R. Kelly
I don't want to coach Miami but I would like to remix them

thesulk
LeBron hides behind god. God says, "Hit a fucking jumper, asshole."

Thursday Feature!

Do you baby, do you.

Tweets Of The Week

@jennyandteets Jenny Mollen
For every "hot" picture of herself a woman sends, there are 23 other shots where she looks exactly like her dad.

thesulk Alec Sulkin
So, civil engineers thought the population was finite? Make bigger roads, you dead idiots.

thesulk Alec Sulkin
Late night movie quiz for SERIOUS film buffs only. Name this movie: http://t.co/7ci6yHZ

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
In preparation for my trip to Mexico today, I've spent the last 2 weeks letting my housekeeper spit in my mouth.

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
It's not funny to laugh at Sex And The City 2, my grandpa died from it.

robcorddry rob corddry
Yes, we shoot in the same hospital where they shot Scrubs and it IS haunted... by the ghost of Zach Braff's appeal. #childrenshospital

robdelaney
Sports yelling! #sports

jennyandteets Jenny Mollen
It's like four days after u get ur period that u get cocky, think ur over it & start a game of Russian roulette w ur underwear.

JoshMalina Joshua Malina
My gentle, folksy humor can be annoying as shit. -- Mark Twain

ShittingtonUK
If you really need fast cash, 5 minutes of fondling Kenny Roger's downy white scrotum is going for $10,014 on the World Dare Exchange.

davidcho David Cho
Person I Hate The Most: Everyone on Yelp ever

MJMcKean Michael McKean
I was going to pitch a Spitzer-Weiner Odd Couple dinner theater tour this summer, but they're really both Felixes.

RealGilbert Gilbert Gottfried
What did one maggot say to the other maggot? "I can't believe I'm eating #MarilynMonroe 's pussy!"

Best Photo Ever

God, I hate white people.

Frat Guys To The End

Thursday Feature (aka the holdover)

Straight out tha' Dairy State: