Tweets Of The Week

JennyJohnsonHi5
If Casey Anthony was found guilty & received the death penalty, I bet her last meal would've been 4 candy necklaces & a bottle of MD 20/20.

robcorddry rob corddry
On a scavenger hunt. Need to find a livery cab driver wearing a suit that fits him and a 1st generation Asian male that uses a Mac.

thesulk
I forget, were the late 60s turbulent?

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
Mickey Rourke looks like he's made entirely out of nipples.

TheOnion The Onion
WEATHER: Muggy in the upper 90s as a warm front yes kill her extends the heat wave with that knife until Tues

pattonoswalt Patton Oswalt
"Victim was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar. That much is true." CSI: HUMAN LEAGUE

Krashmouth Krashmouth
Popeye squeezed the can of spinach. But only novelty snake flew out! His heart sank when he saw Bluto putting petroleum jelly on a cucumber.

Tweets Of The Week

EricStangel
BREAKING: In addition to Olympics, NBC Just Purchased the Rights To Toyotathon 2014 & Red Lobster Lobsterfest thru 2020

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
The one thing MTV's 'Teen Mom' taught me is 35 year old women make shitty grandmothers.

JennyJohnsonHi5
My stepson says I embarrassed him in front of his college academic advisor when I recommended he take "Introduction To Pussy"

DanaJGould
Every tattoo has a hidden meaning. The ones on your neck mean, "You probably want to interview someone else for this position."

JoshMalina Joshua Malina
CNN: Rep. Weiner attributes his problems to a "vast right-nut conspiracy."

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
I'm just glad Patrick Swayze isn't alive to see Hollywood try to ram this grease turd Bradley Cooper down our throats.

PFTompkins Paul F. Tompkins
Ugh. Look at this fat creep. "Blurgh, put the air on my face, I'm sweating from putting on this seatbelt." yfrog.com/h8s1iivj

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
If any of y'all like drinking vodka & Diet Squirt, I'm gonna order a pizza and make this Teddy Ruxpin say funny stuff in about 20 minutes.

MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
4 people who haven't showered, who reek of stale liquor & have diarrhea want to get together to drink cheap champagne & OJ? No. #brunch

morgan_murphy Morgan Murphy
today is the 3rd birthday of the girl your husband will leave you for in 20 years. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MADISON!

WindhorstESPN
Just saw street cellist. Wondered if it was like Wash Post stunt when world-class violinist played in subway. But guy was playing Star Wars.

kellyoxford kelly oxford
Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.

KellZodiac R. Kelly
I don't want to coach Miami but I would like to remix them

thesulk
LeBron hides behind god. God says, "Hit a fucking jumper, asshole."