Tweets Of The Week

pattonoswalt Patton Oswalt
I've now decided I am against gay marriage, but also support straight married couples being forced to act super-faggy.

hannibalburess Hannibal Buress
I lost my cellphone - T-Mobile lady: Did you lose the SIM Card too- Me: Naw, I pocketed it because I knew I was about to lose my phone.

MJMcKean
I'm like a very low-rent Jesus: I turn water into whizz.

MarylandMudflap
I walked past a dog walking on a treadmill in the window of a dog spa and I wanted to get angry but I have to say: That dog had a great ass.

morgan_murphy
speaking of segregation, I just had a civil rights movement. (took a dump in the back of a bus)

morgan_murphy
there's nothing less fuckable than a man eating a salad.

robdelaney
No animals were harmed in the making of "Zookeeper," but 14 of the animals in it have committed suicide since shooting wrapped.

thesulk
Scientology has spaceships?! Crazy! I'll stick to my guy who parted the sea with his mind.

thesulk
America is the sound of the Family Feud audience repeating unanswered answers in unison.

JennyJohnsonHi5
Volkswagen Jettas run on sorority girls' tears and ranch dressing.

JennyJohnsonHi5
"I'm super into the Goo Goo Dolls, you guys." - said the guy who has never seen human pussy

JennyJohnsonHi5
Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.

sportsguy33
Watching "Knight & Day" on HBO right now. Torre and Zimmer had more sexual chemistry than Cruise and Diaz.

MarylandMudflap
Don't you just hate it when you're watching Swimfan & S'ing your own D and a stranger walks in and says, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!"

danielralston
Can I just hear Werner Herzog say the word 'viscosity' ONE TIME IN MY FUCKING LIFE!

robdelaney
BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don't have to be an asshole about it