Tweets Of The Week

@jennyandteets Jenny Mollen
For every "hot" picture of herself a woman sends, there are 23 other shots where she looks exactly like her dad.

thesulk Alec Sulkin
So, civil engineers thought the population was finite? Make bigger roads, you dead idiots.

thesulk Alec Sulkin
Late night movie quiz for SERIOUS film buffs only. Name this movie: http://t.co/7ci6yHZ

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
In preparation for my trip to Mexico today, I've spent the last 2 weeks letting my housekeeper spit in my mouth.

JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
It's not funny to laugh at Sex And The City 2, my grandpa died from it.

robcorddry rob corddry
Yes, we shoot in the same hospital where they shot Scrubs and it IS haunted... by the ghost of Zach Braff's appeal. #childrenshospital

robdelaney
Sports yelling! #sports

jennyandteets Jenny Mollen
It's like four days after u get ur period that u get cocky, think ur over it & start a game of Russian roulette w ur underwear.

JoshMalina Joshua Malina
My gentle, folksy humor can be annoying as shit. -- Mark Twain

ShittingtonUK
If you really need fast cash, 5 minutes of fondling Kenny Roger's downy white scrotum is going for $10,014 on the World Dare Exchange.

davidcho David Cho
Person I Hate The Most: Everyone on Yelp ever

MJMcKean Michael McKean
I was going to pitch a Spitzer-Weiner Odd Couple dinner theater tour this summer, but they're really both Felixes.

RealGilbert Gilbert Gottfried
What did one maggot say to the other maggot? "I can't believe I'm eating #MarilynMonroe 's pussy!"

New Feature: Tweets Of The Week

I read 'em so you don't have to:

@MarylandMudflap
I hope Oprah spends a nice quiet night in with her closest friends - just scissoring Gayle softly while Steadman plays with his train set.

@BretEastonEllis Bret Easton Ellis
Kirsten Dunst looked a lot sadder when I ran out of coke at an Oscar party 5 years ago than at the Von Trier press conference at Cannes...

@JennyJohnsonHi5
I nicknamed my stepdaughter "The Village" because she's such a huge disappointment.

@iamcolinquinn
If you want to see the real New York the way it was in the bad old days. check out a film called You've Got Mail.

@robdelaney rob delaney
Dammit, I just shit my pants. It's OK though; I'm at Kinko's.

@JennyJohnsonHi5
Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

@AlbertBrooks
I missed Oprah's last show but to celebrate I bought my neighbor a car and gained 40 pounds.

@Chri55yBaby (Chris Owens from Girls)
"You have to be taught" is the most important song in South Pacific. Btw I hate assholes (the personality type not the body part)

@diplo
autotuning monkey and wolfs cause i just dont give a FUCK right now

@nealpollack
Why do I watch Treme? It's like reading an issue of an alternative weekly newspaper. The same issue. Every week.

@MarylandMudflap
I cant help myself. Every time I see an Army Surplus store I have to go inside and say, "I need a tent that sleeps 6 morbidly obese adults."