3rdand10 Will Kane
A hobo blew a burp in my face and now I don't remember my mom's name or what the color blue looks like.
JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
The jerk-off motion is always the correct answer to "fresh ground pepper?"
kellyoxford kelly oxford
Putting a tattoo on your boob is like decorating a TV.
kellyoxford kelly oxford
If you're on a date and you fart really loud, say "That's just a little trick I taught myself" and wiggle your eyebrows.
robdelaney
Can I hack a Roomba so it makes coffee in the morning, delivers it to my bed & tells me it loves me?
billyeichner billy eichner
Sadly, had I written the lyrics to Ice Cube's Today Was A Good Day, I'd have to include "Just got an email blast from The Vitamin Shoppe".
MarylandMudflap Scotty L.
I'm dedicating these illegal fireworks to the men of Boston who taught me that a better name for bottle rockets is "screamin retahds."
Kari_Nautique Kari Nautique retweeted by Andy_Richter
Thank you @hughhefner for the beautiful fireworks. Brought tears to my eyes. My mom is over seas fighting so we can have things like Playboy
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